And All Who Sail in Her

publius-esquire:

George Washington: Would use a simple template and dedicate his blog mostly to his farm work; what crops are doing well and what grows best in what soil, and where to get the best beer in the country. It’s not a terribly active blog. Accidentally became tumblr famous. He’s also annoyed because the only asks he gets are political ones, and he’d rather keep his blog politics-free. Why can’t they just leave him alone?

John Adams: Shares a blog with his wife Abigail, and together they have the most quality blog of the group. History, politics, law, anything considered high on a liberal arts education, it’s on this blog. The Adamses also have very strong opinions on their contemporaries and are not afraid to talk about their grievances in public. They have a small but very dedicated follower base. John gets upset when his posts don’t get a lot of notes, and while occasionally go into a fit about how unappreciated he is. Does not use the “Read More” option, so expect a lot of scrolling. Good luck finding the next-page button.

Thomas Jefferson: Beautifully formatted, TJ is a hipster of sorts who enjoys blogging about nature, science, and the general beauty of the world. Expect gorgeous pictures, the most up-to-date discoveries on biology, and opinions on topics ranging from religion to the state of modern education. Things got weird when he constantly reported his follower count. He’s very easy to get along with, as he mostly tells people what they want to hear, but has a tendency to stick his nose in other people’s cultures and give unwanted opinions. Like Washington, he prefers not to clog his blog with politics. He has Madison for that.

Alexander Hamilton: Hamilton believes he’s right about everything and it’s your privilege to know that. He doesn’t shy away from politics, but shines in it. He purposefully tracks tags so he can find a opinion he thinks is wrong and then call them out in public so he can shame them. Expect many charts and figures on economics and trade, as well as very long opinions on government and human nature. He also has a lot of sockpuppet accounts that exist to reblog and praise his first one.

James Madison: Exists to counterpoint everything Hamilton posts. Madison originally didn’t even want a blog, but Jefferson convinced him someone had to call him out, and since the Sage didn’t want that kind of tension on his blog, roped in his friend to take care of it. Occasionally he does break off and make his own original posts, his own opinions on government and human nature, but now Hamilton is prepared to point out everything he considers wrong about those.

Benjamin Franklin: You want some politics? Expect satirical cartoons. You want stuffy science? Expect news on how many times Franklin shocked his subjects with static electricity to prove a point. You want culture? Expect fart jokes. He gives tips on money, health, sex, beer, and in general how to live the good life. Warning: has autoplay. Occasionally turns into social justice when someone says they don’t take him seriously. Franklin does have the tendency to post selfies that cross the line into tmi, but he’s never heard any complaints from his followers. NSFW.

Thomas Paine had a blog but was permanently banned for trolling. He blames Patrick Henry.

(via cloudyjenn)